


Only When I Lose Myself

by Emi_coyote



Category: Depeche Mode
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-06 01:53:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15876057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emi_coyote/pseuds/Emi_coyote
Summary: Dave just wont come out of his room. Maybe Andy can coax him out of hiding





	Only When I Lose Myself

Andy was sitting in the studio, idly playing some riff on a bass when he heard the control room door open and saw Martin and Gareth strolling in and bickering. He stopped playing before they noticed and came to join them, unsure of what had them in such a state.

“Well what the bloody hell was I supposed to do, drag him out by the hair?” Martin sighed and started digging through his bag once he dropped it down in a chair. “He wasn’t even this bad when we were crammed in the same bloody house. The sodding--Oh…mornin’ Andy,” He paused in the middle of raising a flask to his lips when he saw Andy in the doorway, stuffing it back in the bag quickly. Gareth set to work getting things set up and online while Martin followed Andy out and down the hall.

“What’s happened now?” Andy crossed his arms as they walked through the halls, not really going anywhere but it always helped when Mart was bothered, even when they were all at each others throats during the last album and tour. 

“Bloody Dave won’t come out of his bloody room. I can’t understand why but he’s been so closed off since we got here. Last time I saw him was when we got to the hotel, the bastard’s not left his room since!” Martin grumbled and crossed his arms as they walked, bouncing on his toes when they stopped. Andy watched him and lit a cigarette while they stared out the window, pushing his glasses back up. “God I thought it was bad the last time--”

“Well he ain’t ain’t off the wagon again, is he?”

“How should I know? The bastards not left his sodding room since we got here! He can’t still be upset about Al leaving, can he?”

“It could be, they were pretty close. It hit us all pretty hard.” Andy shrugged and took a drag on his cigarette as they walked further down the hall and reached the door.”I saw him on telly a few months ago guest hosting something or other, seems to be doing alright,”

“So he hasn’t talked to you either, huh?” Martin pulled his hood up when the wind started to howl and pulled a second flask from his pocket. “You think he’s still bitter about things? I mean it's been a year or so,”

“Likely. Hell, I can barely stand the two of ya tossers on a good day! OI!” Andy laughed when Martin punched his arm and tried to reach for his glasses. “I’m only jokin’ ya daft bastard! Ya know I love you crazy sods,” Martin was still pouting a little and took another swig from his flask. “Bit early for that, ain’t it?”

“Helps the hangover. Maybe one of these days we can friends again, but it just seems weird walking into the studio and not seeing him already there working on this or tweaking that or sitting at the bloody piano just tooling about.” Martin sighed and plucked Andy's cigarette from his fingers, taking a drag as they walked. “You think…..I mean, we’re okay right?” 

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Andy lit another cigarette as they kept walking down the road. “We’ll be alright Marty, so will Dave. He’s got his own things to work through and he’ll be alright in his own time.” Andy glared a little when Martin grumbled something about therapy nonsense but brushed it off. He wasn’t in the mood to argue and instead gave Mart a gentle nudge. “Tell you what, head back and get started. I’ll try to get Dave to come out of hiding, eh?”

Martin nodded and Andy gave him a pat on the back before they went separate directions. Andy ran a hand through his hair while he tried to figure how to even make Dave open the door, then he could work out how to get Dave to let him in. 

**********

“I said come back later,” Dave called when Andy knocked again. He sighed and knocked harder, getting the same response. He didn’t have the patience for the front desk to ring him repeatedly just for no answer. 

“Come on Dave, it’s Fletch. Open up,”

“Piss off, I’m not coming out.” Dave called again and Andy rolled his eyes, hitting his fist against the door before leaning against the wall next to it. 

“Why the hell not? We can’t exactly record an album without a vocalist,”

“You got Mart, don’t you? Surely to god he can stay sober long enough to belt out a few numbers.”

Andy rolled his eyes and pushed up his glasses while Dave carried on about Martin’s drinking. “It doesn’t work that way. Father Fletchy doesn’t take confession with doors, Gahan.”

“Then you can bloody well fuck off because I’m not opening this door!” Dave called again and Andy jumped when something hit the door, probably a shoe. Andy rubbed his eyes and shook his head, grumbling to himself. He lifted his head again when he thought of something and knocked again, preparing for another shoe to be thrown at the door.

“What if I told you that girl you met in rehab was here to see you? Would you open the door for h--” Andy stepped back when the door was thrown open, Dave looking around eagerly for Jen to pop out of hiding. Andy took his chance and made his way in the room, narrowly missing a punch from Dave. 

“You bastard! Why would you do that?!”

“So you would open the bloody door, you stupid git,” Andy stood still while Dave tried to push him back out of the room, hanging his head in defeat when he had no luck. He was still a bit weak, unable to actually do more than push Andy and inch or two. Dave sighed and sat on his bed again, lighting up his hundredth cigarette and glaring at the wall as Andy sat at the foot of the bed. “Come on mate, dont shut me out…”

“What you gonna do about it, Fletch? That snuggly shite only works on Mart and your pu--ah, sod it.” Dave scowled and stubbed out the cigarette before sitting back against the headboard. He crossed his arms and looked down at his knees, ignoring Andy moving to sit next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Is that why you're hiding in here? You think if you wait long enough that he’ll walk back into the studio and take a seat at the piano like nothing happened? Oh, dear David….” Andy wrapped his arm around Dave and hugged him tight. Dave shrugged him off and looked at his knees, staying quiet and scowling still. “Dave, what is it? I won't tell Mart or Gareth or anyone else, scouts honour.” Andy held his hand up and shook his head when he had no response. They sat in silence for a while, not saying anything except to borrow a lighter while they each lit another cigarette.

Another two hours passed while they sat next to each other, Andy looking up at the ceiling while Dave stared into space. Rustling on the blanket drew Andy's attention and he looked back at Dave, pushing his glasses up after realizing they had slid halfway down his nose. 

“I cant do it….” Dave had said it almost so low that Andy could barely hear him. He opened his mouth to speak but paused, figuring Dave has said it more to himself to start. “It's nothing to do with….what happened to us or the group its…..I just can't do it, I know I can't…”

“What are you on about now?” Andy stared at him and moved to rest a hand on Daves back, pausing when he saw him start to shake. Dave shoved his hair out of his face and looked up again, completely ignoring Andy and talking to himself.

“It's been years since my head was this clear. I was so used used to being numb that it became home for me, I don't have that now. I'm bloody terrified…” Dave started to shake more as he spoke, unaware of Andy wrapping his arms around him and hugging him close. “How am I supposed to be this big performer when I’ve lost myself as a person?”

“They didn't cover that in rehab, eh? You'll find yourself again soon enough. You've already taken control back, the rest is easy from there,”

“Oh don't give me that shite, Fletch. Its It's all a load of rubbish anyway,” Dave scowled and pulled himself out of Andy's grasp, standing and walking to the window. “You don't get it…..none of you do,” 

Andy stared at Dave while he kept talking quietly, mentally slapping himself for getting close to cracking the vault of Dave then ruining it. Andy sighed and raked a hand through his hair while he thought of what to do. After a moment Andy stood and walked over to Dave, hesitating before wrapping his arms around Dave from behind and pulling him to his chest. 

“Andrew?” Dave glanced at Andy who took his head off his shoulder, ready to step back if Dave asked. The only times Dave called him Andrew was when he was angry or gravely serious. Andy couldn't deny being a little worried though as he remembered when Dave would go off on all of them during his addiction, getting flashbacks to thinking Dave was the devil and landing in hospital before he did something really stupid.

“What is it, Dave?” Andy shook the memories away and put his head back on his shoulder. It couldn't be anything too serious, right?

“Why wasn't I good enough?”

“What?” Andy was baffled at the question, completely unaware of what he was talking about. “Dave don't be ridiculous. Of course you're good enough, you've always b--"

“I'm not talking about that, Andy. I mean…..you have Martin and there was….that whole thing with Alan too and…..don't look at me like that! You think I was so thick I couldn't figure it out?”

“What the hell are you on about? Nothing went on with Mart or Alan, I don't know wh--" Andy stepped back when Dave snarled and side stepped to avoid a swat from him.

“Bollocks! You know damn well what I mean. I could hear you and Mart on the bus or when Al would come hobblin’ into studio lookin’ like he got in a fight. I'm not a bleedin’ idiot Andrew, I know exactly what went on between the three of you. But did you ever come to me? Did you ever think…..” Dave stood straight and buried his face in his hands. “You have no idea how many nights I'd hear you all and--I would want so badly to join in or….why was I never good enough?”

“Is that what all this nonsense is about? Because I wouldn't sleep with you? I wanted to, I bloody tried to get you to open up. Don't pin this all on me David, you wouldnt let me in. I never pursued because you never showed interest. You're so closed off, how the bloody hell can anyone read anything on you?” Andy replied and grabbed Dave's wrist when he tried to swing again. Dave glared and then deflated, Andy catching him before he hit the ground. 

“I have needs too….”

“What do you need then? Dave you gotta tell me because I haven't the faintest bloody idea…” Andy was petting Dave's hair and holding him tight. “Just let me in. Just one time, that's all I ask….open yourself for me,” He smiled when Dave looked up and narrowed his eyes. “It seemed appropriate, Mart would get a laugh out of it.” 

Dave pulled himself up and sat on the bed by Andy, looking at his knees as they sat in silence again. Andy was the first to speak as he stood and patted Dave's shoulder, aiming to coax him to his feet and out of the room. When he had no luck, Andy turned to pull Dave up instead of being gentle. 

“Alright now. Up you come, we still have work to d--"

“I want to feel alive, Andy.”

“Sorry?” Andy was stunned by the comment, unsure entirely of how to respond. Dave stared at him and grabbed Andy's hand, pulling him down so their foreheads touched. “Dave….”

“Andrew please. I've felt like a bloody zombie for years, I need to feel something, _anything_. Don't make me beg,” Dave reached a hand up to tangle in Andy's hair, his eyes shining a little.

“Begging doesn't suit you,” 

“Should I call you Daddy then?” Dave let out a small chuckle and Andy shoved him back a little.

“That doesn't suit you either. Scoot over, I'll give you what you need,” Andy stood and shrugged off his jacket and shoes, sitting on the bed behind Dave and resting against the headboard, patting his lap gently. “Come on, don’t don’t keep me waiting,” Andy purred and pulled Dave close to him. The moment Dave crawled in Andy's lap, his hands were instantly at his buttons, fumbling with them in his excitement. Andy tilted his head forward only for Dave to push him back again, fixing Andy with a hard stare.

“Don't. I hate kissing.” Dave threw out quickly and Andy raised an eyebrow, having never met someone who hated to kiss. He didn't question it and instead reached up to take off his glasses, again being stopped by Dave. “Leave them on?….”

Andy lowered his hand and rested it on Dave's thigh, giving him a gentle squeeze. He looked up again to see Dave staring right at him, their foreheads and noses touching while Andy slid his hands up Dave's legs and to the hem of his sweater. Dave sat back quickly to pull it off and toss it aside before having another go at the buttons on Andy's shirt. Dave growled in frustration after a moment and ripped the shirt open, sending them flying much to Andy's protests.

“Oi! Grainne gave me that!” 

“I'll get you a new one. Now please Andrew, help me…” Dave whimpered as their noses rubbed together again, hands roaming over Andy's chest and shoulders. Andy pulled him closer and ran a hand up Dave's sides, sliding them down to his backside and into his pockets. Dave shivered against him and arched his hips forward a little, letting out a small sigh from the sensation.

Andy looked up at him then down at his arms, taking one of his wrists and slowly stroking the scars with his thumb. Dave looked down quickly and Andy nudged him. “Look at me, David.”

“Andy. I can't--"

“Stop that. Look at me, and don't look away until I say you can. Got me?” Andy replied sternly and Dave nodded, trembling slightly while Andy stroked his wrists. “Don't be afraid, I'm here now,” He paused and released Dave's wrists to wipe away tears forming in his eyes. Andy paused when Dave threw his arms around Andy's neck and hugged him tight, not expecting that reaction.

Dave sighed quietly and looked at him again, arching forward when he felt Andy's hands move his hands up and around his chest then down to open his trousers quickly and slip a hand inside. 

“I never said you could look away,” Andy whispered when Dave closed his eyes, resting his free hand on the back of Dave's neck and looking him in the eyes again. Dave blushed suddenly when he felt Andy's fingers along his growing hardness. “Don't think, just feel,” Andy purred and sat up a little when Dave's hands began to wander again. He shivered when Dave ghosted his fingers over Andy's sides, rubbing their noses together while his hands moved further south, fumbling with Andy's belt and fly.

“Bloody hell….” Dave grumbled and finally had Andy's trousers open, shaking and glancing down. “Andy, what do I…?”

“Pretend you're doing it to yourself. Don't worry Dave, I'm easy to please,” Andy purred and nudged Dave's nose gently, closing his eyes when he felt Dave's fingers curl around his cock and stroke him slowly. Andy moaned again when Dave's strokes gained confidence and his grip tightened, keeping them short and firm compared to Andy's long slow movements. “Not so fast. Go slower, it's not a ra--ooh, yes like that,” Andy was cut off when a soft moan was pulled from his throat, pulling Dave closer as they stroked each other.

Their words were drowned under soft pants and moans after a while, hands working eagerly as Andy and Dave stared each other down and touched. Andy smirked when Dave began to tremble against him once more, looking down until Andy grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled his head up so they'd maintain eye contact.

“Not until I say…”

“Andy please, I can't hold it much longer….” Dave whimpered as Andy moved his hand faster, quick and direct strokes over the head of Dave's cock which made him whine louder. Andy grit his teeth and scooted Dave's hand off of him, gripping both of their cocks and moving his hand with renewed vigor. Dave cried out again along with Andy and wrapped his arms around Andy's shoulders, gasping when his hair was pulled again.

Andy pressed his forehead to Dave's and grit his teeth as he pulled them both closer to climax, finding himself off guard when Dave came over his hand and crashed his lips into Andy's suddenly. They both moaned into the kiss and Andy tensed as the surprise spurred his own climax, coating their hands and bellies a second time as his hand tightened in his hair. Dave pulled away and they both panted softly, staring into each others eyes until Dave started to smile. 

Andy's mind was still foggy until he saw the smile on Dave's face, realizing it was a proper genuine smile he hadn't seen on Dave in at least a decade.

“Thank you, Andrew…..you don't know how much I needed that,” Dave was still smiling and Andy stroked his hair, rubbing their noses together and tilting his head slightly. Dave closed his eyes for a moment and pressed a gentle peck against his lips before relaxing against him. “Feel like centuries since I've felt so alive,”

“Thought you hated kissing?” Andy smirked and began smoothing Dave's hair down again.

“I do but….I needed that too, I think….” Dave looked up and smiled a little when he saw Andy's expression. 

“Who knew a handjob would be just the start of what you need?” Andy chuckled and hugged Dave close, relaxing against the headboard until the phone rang, “Oh bloody hell…” 

“Ignore it. They can call back later,” Dave muttered into Andy's neck, sighing when he heard the receiver lift up and felt Andy's chest vibrate as he spoke, looking up when Andy tore the phone from his ear and hearing Martin shouting on the other end without need to put on the speaker.

“Where the bloody fuck are you?! Thanks to you two this has been a whole bloody day wasted. We’re already in deep shi--" Dave plucked the receiver from Andy's hand and dropped it back onto the side table, ignoring Marts tirade on the other end.

“I didn't think Mart was able to shout. Must we really get up and go?” Dave whined against Andy's neck and slid his hands over his chest and shoulders slowly. Andy hummed softly and stroked Dave's back before taking his wrists and pushing him up a little.

“Oh something will be getting up alright,” Andy smirked and pushed Dave onto his back suddenly, pinning his wrists and hovering over him. “But we aren't going anywhere until we make up for a few things,” He purred and tilted his head to give Dave an eager kiss, ignoring the fact that Martin was still shouting at them through the phone.

They parted for breath and Dave smirked when he heard Martin's yelling, staring at the phone and then back at Andy, “I say we really give him something to yell about, Fletchy”

“I like the way you think, mate.”


End file.
